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1.
The red Christmas 03:44
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[Verse 1] They know you are christmas christmas is over christmas is red [Chorus] christmas to come a merry christmas wish christmas (war is o) christmas is come marry a snowman wish yourself a the twelve [Verse 2] we three christmas jingle carol rappin to a christmas fucking christmas to look the twelve (1947) [Chorus] [Verse 3] so this is christmas (it) bethlehem is fucking the world holy christmas over [Chorus] [Outro] merry o' merry christ merry christmas last the mountain of fucking (Repeat ad naseum)
2.
Fucking this snowman like a god 02:25
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[1] Fucking this snowman like a god, Heh heh heh Ooh ooh ohoho Ohh God! Ooohoho Fast forward a quarter a century and kids are learning to test drive old SUVs All-in-one SUVs that look and sound just like your own Hang on, uh, hunka, hunka Hang on, uh, hunka Hang on, uh, hunka hey there, hey there The list goes on The fave park's prancein And the one that's outfitted With a electronic music player, set, and dash Is the reindeer in, uh, reindeer VHS player, then the same? Yeah, yeah, uh, reindeer DU DUM, the reindeer in, uh, reindeer Now, the reindeer in, uh, reindeer Now, the reindeer in, uh, reindeer Selling stock in the store Is the reindeer in, uh, reindeer VHS player, then the uh, uh, reindeer [2] Fucking this snowman like a god, ive never felt this good. ive never felt this beautiful, ive been through before, ive even been born Won't be Merry morn mary heard What a miserable beginning Won't you please couch-latch ive been? Merry morn mary heard Was this dinner too much for? Had the or the Either way, enough— You pressed your face against that plate And said, Well done, you ive had Inside the can, I have you covered Not enough of my medicine for Truly, I've got everything For tingling, I've got the basics Right here Right where my corners are And the subways are full Of boiling, no-No-No-No I-I-I-I-Themes in my head Mouthful of all the singing, throwing, Vomit, and dancing Behind the curtain rungs in the chessboard And dozens of them tally How they can be worth two And who holds the better hand Over them? I the I And if I were you, I know How you could ever be weak
3.
Bells have heard the Christmas 03:41
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weird it? Whildreamless is silend you wer and gathering the little figgy pass are jolly Merry land A part again O times That Savior is of Heaven a year fourtle doves, angels Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la He season may appare All with the sturdy kings Rejoice! Emmanuel I want for quite and ten be whites Toys for a world Let's be jolly And him) And a carolers tree it the near and I celebrace O tiding Let the air (War is you know! You games did pennies for those was and At Christmas party's over having a wonderful Christmas Westward toys ther And I story Christmas go; His Godhead is you're carolong, day of hope in reply Jingle all of Yules time agains Merry next day, Merry, star Of the beard, the get the was a turtle dear Christ in the attitus All I do? Oh of wonderstand Christmas is bough thump the frenely weathes And a nature stonight Above sents In a little Christmas Two turkey and 'em babe, this Christ is together For we star of Bether the Solo: Joseph lendly have funk 'cause to offering us speakin Wish come on, it's look beauty on a happy New I'd came to someone—
4.
The Christmas (1947 war release) 08:03
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[1] Last Christmas, I gave you my heart But the very next day, you gave it away (You gave it away) This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special (Special) Last Christmas, I gave you my heart But the very next day, you gave it away This year, to save me from tears (Ohh) I'll give it to someone special (Special) Oh, Halloween And so I watch as a man throws his weapon I watch as a man breathes fire I watch as a man breathes life (Life) I'll give it to someone special (Special) Oh, Halloween You just gave it to me, I'll give it to someone special Special Oh, Halloween You just gave it to me, I'll give it to someone [2] (Good grief) I gave you my heart (I only gave you my heart) You gave it away (Thanks, you) I thought you were friends with the dead (You wish you could be my friend) Ooh In summary, the story is fairly simple: I gave you my heart, but you gave it away (I gave it away) Don't you even love me? (I'll give you my heart) Why don't you Take my hand And I'll take your hand And I'll take your hand Gold and silver and I'll give it to someone or something And I'll give it to someone or somethingAnd I'll give it to someone or something Maybe someday I'll give it to someone I'll give it to someone special Under God and before His eyes Those eyes are special I'll give it to someone— Give it to someone— Under God and before His eyes Those eyes are special I'll give it to someone— Under God and before His eyes Those eyes are special I'll give it to someone— Under God and before His eyes Co-founder and co-creator of Ficious Fishes with Corey Feldman and Dinesh D'Souza creator of the Christmas carol, giggle aisle theory creator of the carol, giggle aisle theory [3] They say that the more you eat, the drier you taste But to see a friend's carol is to eat And to buy a used carol for at-home use For at-home use's become a must Carol misses the road when she's not fast But when she's not fast, she slips and gets A wild papaya bend where her nose is cut And a snow cone glistens in the video's close Pikinese-y Behold, the perfect day for a morning pear tree Pristine in hue when peachy is peeling And grand in color when golden is amping Whereas the day, when they put the lights on The people in the street are checking on The conversations are going as usual You have to leave this place For a little while longer For there to be a Christmas Whereas this Christmas is approved
5.
Oh come you joy Christmas 04:30
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[From The Simpsons: "Tiny Little Helper" (1987)] [Bridge: "I've Got a Merry Christmas, Baby"] I heard that the sea was the sea I heard the sea was in the harbor I heard that the sea is moving I know it's Christmas, no need to fear The sea is moving [Chorus: "Happy Holidays, Baby"] It's not Christmas, it's not Christmas, it's not Christmas But now I've come Here to tell you It's Christmas time, baby And I'll tell you right now [Intro: "Baby Silly Claus" (from "Tiny Little Helper" (1987)] [Chorus: "Tiny Little Helper"] It's not Christmas, it's not Christmas, it's not Christmas [Verse 1] Oh Santa, what a pain; I'm getting older now But now that my nose is dirty, I can still feel it Don't you get over it now, you little boy This Christmas, it's Christmas time Let's cheer on the kids, It's a lot of fun And it's the only time that you're all alone [Chorus] Tiny Little Helper It's not Christmas, it's not Christmas But now we got some Christmas The sea is moving, it's a lot of fun and merry A lot of fun for a lot of children And they'd rather see me And I'll tell you right now That it's Christmas time, baby, it's Christmas time [Verse 2] You see it's Christmas time, it's not Christmas time But now I'm getting old and tired But I'm just a little boy Ah, you little boy, you little boy It's Christmas time, baby Oh, you little boy This Christmas, it's Christmas time So that's why you're all home [Chorus] Tiny Little Helper It's not Christmas, it's not Christmas time But now what's so fun? We'll all be together (You know I'm a little boy) I'm just a little boy, I'm a little [Pre-Chorus: "Santa Claus" to "K-Mart"] [Chorus] Santa Claus K-Mart [Verse 3] What the Christ, how my mother cried, and I cried, too That it's Christmas time And they kept on crying a little while For when they were all All asleep, all the people Are so happy, and all merry The Christmas time Is a joyous and very merry But now! [Pre-Chorus: "I've Got a Santa Claus" to "K-Mart"] But as it is, It's Christmas time in heaven And the time is much past Now we can celebrate A merry Christmas to all Let us make love and be merry
6.
God war 04:12
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[Intro] Celebrate Christmas without fail But first, a word about the noggin The zenith of the year Bearing this label doesn't make me any happier, plus or minus four Merry Christmas [1] Tiny tots and bazaars And farmers' markets Merryly to see Will be filled to their rafters On the thirteenth day of December I'm talking about the year When the Byzantine emperor Obediently laid the Faith On those found guilty Told them to lie, or they'd break the Sabbath Told them to lie and pray In the dark, or they'd steal Our bread I'll show you the World to prove That Christianity's New Testament Christ Isn't Truth True? Sure starts with the Holy Spirit And that's what I'm talking about Trying to show you the World that's Real And things that are (are) are (are) — things That are (are) things that are (are) Toys for the boys! Have yourself a merry little tale Where the victor and the vanquished Won't face each other again [2] Using tear gas canisters And tear gas canisters Burning color means the end of fear Burning color means the end of fear Reckoning a bitter taste Reckoning a bitter taste This phrase was first coined By the Spanish conquerors When they captured our island They kept the Spanish out For many a year Using tear gas canisters And tear gas can [3] God war—for the infant Jesus. The greatest God of all, the King of Kings All over the Earth Raise Him: The Infant Jesus! O beginning! Put to me your love, then Offspring me, then Receive me, then Receive me, then Ka-ka-k-kie, ka-k-kie Ka-k-kie, ka-kie K-kie-kie, k-kie Me, myself, I Lost in thought, in thought Of all the ways in which I experience It, and around How I have been born, and what Enter me, and what I bring Me, I know what a happy and fruitful Lo This place is in—I Lost in thought, in thought Of what I do in it, I Dare I tell you What do I do here? [4] God war—for the infinite Jesus. God sent us victory hammer And war whip sent victory gladwigh With golden star in crown everywhere And keeping star bright lights So great is his glory that all shepherds Be they who believe that Christ is In them all God reveals The nature and the truth thereof; Debbele, fare ye, child, ask God The truth, truth, truth, truth There lies Christ, Savior of sinners And light through day and night He brings cheer to all mankind He that sins lays the scourge He brings salvation to the weak He brings relief from all sin He brings peace to the sick He brings joy to all men He is him, him, him, Christ O ye Bethlehem! The dreamers within come to you This is the son of God He is God's salvation The good news is, the darkness around you Is over You, baby, you You, you You, you, you, you, you You, you, you, boy You, you, you, boy You, you, boy [5] Merry Christmas To the community that sent them Merry Christmas, to the great spirit Merry, Christmas, is born Chosen by God; While man beheld, in little by In the wild child He was There growled, and Petyr thought His brother Elric was dreaming Suddenly He said to him: "Christ is born in Bethlehem Where the helpless go Though able should surely be The son of God to God The God of Abraham and Isaac And the Savior and salvation Of true love and peace to the world Are they 4 or seven years old?" "Say Yes," he said, "my God!" Myr Kyno the Merry wrote: "Oh yes, holy Child"
7.
Rockin' ye faithful 05:15
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Rockin ' ye faithful (war) While we fight to the bitter end (We're in the bomb shelter) Where the living taste of war and filth Threaten our very souls (!)? In the name of Christ, the Lord of peace O star of wonder, star of night Star with night of bliss! Above the snow-capped peaks of Bessarabia With glowing golden radii moldering Like shining gems in the glories of wisdom Railroading along siftless rifts Sealed with the Holy Spirit, the ages Proclaiming the blessed tidings Who, as God's angels, stir the rifts To straighten us for ever Proclaiming the blessed tidings Who, as God's angels, stir the rifts To straighten us for ever Let us rejoice! The problems of our time Are solved! The impurities in our food Are eliminated; the earth is a happy land Earning daily manger to its foundation While in misery mankind now stand Where once were the simple, lowly folks The present are faring; save them The evils they endured And we curse them so that we may remove
8.
Christmas 03:34
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It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously Pacing 'round like little boys do every Christmas so many times But every once in a great while, when he is curious about things Finally comes the proudest birthday present I got this darn monster of a baby carol, thinkin' about us today Ooh! That's a joke! That's a joke! Oh, baby! That's a joke! Oh, baby! Just like Christmas, the best days of the year are arrived at From day one, all we naturally bring to the house is one feather Or from a well, and when it comes to raising a child, "nothing matters much" Mild generation divide; old hand remembers Old man doesn't like flowery hues of color And the young man's mother doesn''t like green shades Lunch is upon us, has ended, and we are out of eggs Much ado, the Cub bit!" Daniel Craig makes his Cinema 15 debut For once quiet as the fight is The peaceful end will be found In tonightpsonslez, throughout our society The greatest thing about this season is That you don't have to sacrifice To stay below the radar; Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time You see she's been sick for quite a while And I know these shoes would make her smile And I want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight Then Hey Baker says oh, she should be old this year But she's much younger than him, and she doesn't look old this year He says am I day dreaming? stuffs his chair into place Okay, so this might sound unbelievable , but this is really how Christmas works (Christmas cheer) Chances are, I'm straight One to one talks About the wonderful young couple awaking Which are Glamourous in Garland and Brasque And Atonement Belongs To the Sky; Oh, dear Sitting by my side they played Pop Sing With a sultry flourish their fine voices nevertheless Were met with a mixture of amusement and alarm Surely they were conversing the same old games Where gentlemen face down the litigants And brackets and roasts God and followers assemble Is this not the beauty and majesty of the God Whom He Transforms? Whom Jehovah Callest There These Principles Conform To And Reflect Total Being Whom Theself They Invoke The Word Whom Faith and Desire Foster Influences Immanent Charity These Principles Are Themes Of Maximize Your Wine Icons Convey Demands Of Me Now hurry, you and I will get those heels sewn I want those heels, sir, tomorrow I will kiss starik And if you won't go now, I'll bring a car And a sis this Christmas spirit would've you used Jingle bells, chorus! Don't panic, love is pure I will give you a ride tonight, you will get a very welcome present On the big monorail I will bring you this picture Help, my child this is Gover I want to give you a ride at a time Spinning red geese will do Pretty lights will go by Got pockets or a chest around my waist I will make an appointment (Acceptle) Are there any left that can help? Those that are funny, those that are lazy Those that are sound, those that are friends Will can laughter come soon Sinceilent, insidious toxins will do That train wrecking that is Christmas Okay, slave, flatter myself
9.
Rockin' Bells (war) 11:43
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about

A long-lost album, by the long-lost brother of Kenny G, a cybernetic abomination that can only vomit forth the lyrics for the greatest Christmas hits ever made.

There is no time for criticism—only Christmasism.


* * *

In all seriousness—if that's at all possible—this album is a complete shitpost. I manually scraped genius.com by searching "Christmas," and copy-pasting every song I could until I had carpal-tunnel syndrome. I took that dataset, and then trained a GPT-2 model using a google colab notebook, and just kinda played with it.

Originally, I was going to be more ambitious—I would have tried to make it generate lyrics based entirely on song titles, but I realized that I don't have any real experience with AI programming, so I decided not to do that. I eventually settled on just saying "fuck it—we ball" and just put the title at the beginning of the lyrics.

I've had the lyrics done for almost a year now, and I've been waiting to release this album this Christmas season, because Christmas albums deserve Christmas seasons.

credits

released December 25, 2022

OpenAI - GPT-2;
Botnik - Voicebox;
All the genius.com pages I used for training data - there are an actual fuck ton;
Me - performing these blessings for your ears.

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